Against To-Do List Anxiety
I consider organization both a strength and weakness of mine. I tend to dial into a routine that works and relentlessly execute it. I get lots done. But then, the strings unravel because life is not utopia, and I can’t treat my to-do list and routine like an assembly line. Sometimes family comes to town, or I am having a depressive episode, or my goals shift and need to be re-examined.
At the end of March, my to-do list fell apart. I trained for a marathon (and ran it!), my parents lived with me for two weeks, and I began to plan my first international trip in 3 years (more on this to come). I reluctantly accepted this state of un-productivity, but I couldn’t help anxiously imagine my re-integration plan. It was like performance anxiety, but the performance was just….regular life?
I used my down time to plan how to move forward. The first idea I wanted to unpack was my conflation of productivity with meaningfulness, and success with overwork. This New Yorker piece by Weike Wang (author of a book on my tbr) drives straight into the dysmorphic pride many of us take in working too hard, and its relation with the model minority myth. The article doesn’t contain answers, but it does contain truths. I relate a lot to this article. I have never taken a mental health day off from work, and most vacations I take involve remote working days. Most of my days include time spent on all the things I value: my job, reading, writing, and running. I wake up early and sleep late regularly, chugging coffee and dabbing on eye cream as my contribution to the hard personal work of maintaining youth (I say this sarcastically; eternal youth is both impossible and a function of capitalism’s exploitation of women’s insecurities).
My time off was stacked, though not with my usual pursuits. I spent an entire evening with my family at a Tollywood movie (they are SO long!) I took breaks from my workday to watch my mom cook (I took notes to make the recipes later). I missed runs to go on slow evening walks with my mom. It was not rejuvenating to spend time in this way, because my to-do list was constantly beckoning. It was a concerted effort to ignore it. However, I did feel I had invested my time in a way that helped me take steps towards being the type of daughter and human I want to be. After she left, I tried to maintain some of that perspective. The first step seems to be a baseline understanding that the world won’t burn down while my to-do list waits.
Books where Characters de-Prioritize their Jobs
Joan is Okay by Weike Wang - Like I mentioned about, this one is on my TBR. I was drawn to the book not just for the gorgeous cover, but also because this is a portrait of immigrant values in a time of high stakes, loss, and stress. It starts with an anti-diaspora story, whereby Joan’s parents returns to China after their children reach success in their careers. However, upon the death of her father, Joan’s mother returns to America, causing a series of events that upend Joan’s life. I feel like….I might shed a few tears while reading this slender novel.
Olga Dies Dreaming by Xochitl Gonzalez - I read this on audio last month and was floored. I read a lot of mixed reviews about this book, and I get it. It handles a LOT of topics, including sexual assault, neo-colonialism in Puerto Rico, family abuse, aging, and non-traditional career paths. However, the voice of Olga was so genuine. I fell in love with her and her FIRE! Overall, I would highly recommend the book, even if it fell short in its ambition.
Convenience Store Woman by Sayaka Murata - I am a huge fan of Murata (ngl Earthlings is a book I still think about every few days though I read it over a year ago). This book is focused on anti-ambition. A neurodivergent woman finds deep meaning in her work as a convenience store clerk, despite the pressure from her family to move up in the world, marry, and fit into their idea of a “normal life”. This one is also based on Murata’s own life before she became a novelist.
Temporary by Hilary Leichter - this is a book about a quest. A quest to do your job, and make it your own. It is about finding happiness and truth under the dark shadow of late capitalism. The NY Times called this book “wildly imaginative” and this promise has landed the book on my TBR.
Readings on my mind
Nannies have a job that is under-acknowledged. “Although nannies spend most of their day with kids, they work within the ecosystem of a family, and in addition to dealing with the children’s behavior, nannies have to navigate the parents’ feelings and conduct too.” This Cut profile dives deeper into how nannies are a linchpin for powerful women who seem to “have it all”. I do think the article glides over common exploitation of labor in this industry, but still an interesting perspective. (for a novel pairing, check out this book I read recently: The Perfect Nanny, which is based on a true homicide case).
We are halfway to the halfway point of 2022! Here is The Millions Most Anticipated Books coming out in the first half of this year!
I make a Most Anticipated book list every year. Shop my curated list here!
A New Yorker profile on everyone’s favorite, Ocean Vuong. I am so excited for his newest poetry collection, out this month.
The Five Day workweek might be coming to an end. The Atlantic dives into its implications.
A really lovely interview about why the food in Turning Red looks soooo delicious
Some anti-productivity adjacent topics:
The necessity of a “third place” - where you socialize with strangers for some time untethered from productivity. This is run club for me!
The case for ditching TBR anxiety and reading really long books
Apparently Tik Tok moms have to work extra hard to make their lives look fun….yikes