Who are the Barbies?
Are you ready to dive into this colorful cocktail of Barbie lives? They're sure to keep you on your plastic-pink toes!
“Hey Barbie!”
“Hey Barbie!”
“Heyyyyy Barbie!”
Thus opens Trailer #2 of Barbie the Movie. One thing is for sure about Barbie - she contains multitudes. We have met some of them through the Barbie movie campaigns: the Pulitzer Prize winner, the doctor, the lawyer, the mermaid, and the President. However, the Barbie trailers might have been the first time we felt a form of Barbie sonder - the realization that every Barbie’s life is as complex and intricate as the only Barbie we will get to know.
It’s hard to ignore the fact that every Barbie has main character energy. Every Barbie could hold up a movie of her own. To celebrate the upcoming film, and hold space for the myriad Barbie stories we won’t get to know from just one movie, below are some spin-offs, adaptations, and franchises we hope to see in the future:
The Cast:
Barbie #1 - This is the original Barbie. She goes by Barbara and is the woman responsible for creating a matrilineal BarbieLand. She rules her queendom with an ethylene-vinyl acetate fist. She gives both MOTHER and Mother-in-Law. You can recognize her because she has the perkiest boobs in BarbieLand, and also an inexplicable mullet.
Midsommar Barbie - This Barbie second-hand murdered her boyfriend, but she is so earnest that you can’t help but think, “Good for her!”. She’s in a cult, but kind of likes it. Hang with her enough, and she might seduce--*ahem* convince you to join too. She comes with a blood-stained white dress, flammable hut, and flower crown. The accompanying Ken doll comes extra tan from his time in the summer solstice.
Sk8r Grrrl Barbie - This Barbie is basically the pride flag of BarbieLand. What gives it away? The beanie of course! She can blade, bike, scooter, and skateboard, which makes her skatepark skills as fluid as her sexuality. Her hair turns blue if you dip it in water. Her first bath was her queer awakening.
Oppenheimer Barbie - Forget about fandom rivalry, this Barbie is the Oppenheimer X BarbieLand crossover episode. In this episode, war doesn’t exist, and the only mass hysteria is excitement over Barbie’s contributions to science. This Barbie invented pink puffy clouds to float in the Earth’s atmosphere to prevent the impending climate crises. A side effect is that it rains (compostable) glitter and dollar bills every week.
Yogi Barbie - This Barbie has a record 22 moveable joints, including knees, ankles, hips, and toes. Not only that, but she comes with pores so she can sweat it out during hot yoga. This Barbie invented the concept of an anabolic window to convince everyone to buy her homemade bee pollen protein smoothies, which she sells at the wellness bar of her local yoga studio.
Bad Haircut Barbie - We’re not sure if this is a Barbie, or Angelica’s (from Rugrats) Cynthia Doll. Only two things are for sure about this Barbie: she is on psychedelics and can do the splits. She screams often.
Now that we’ve met the Barbies, let’s take a look at how they live their lives. We hope when you buy their dolls, you will know exactly how to roleplay with them.
The Morning Routines:
Barbie #1 - This Barbie wakes up with her makeup perfectly intact and curls impossibly bouncy. She stands under her shower without any running water, because she already smells like heaven. She snaps her fingers and the perfect outfit appears. She grabs breakfast with her best girl, Barbie #2, but doesn’t eat anything. She hasn’t eaten since 1959, which is how she maintains a body too skinny to hold up her head. She commutes to a job that she doesn’t actually have, because she doesn’t need money for anything. She head bops to Barbie Girl by Aqua on her commute.
Midsommar Barbie - It remains mysterious what this Barbie does all morning. Sometimes screams can be heard coming from her sleeping chambers. We think she might take an ice bath just to feel something. You have to join her cult to know more.
Sk8r Grrrl Barbie - This Barbie starts every day proud to be gay. She kisses up to fifteen girl Barbies, or as many as it takes to get one to question their sexuality too. Then she greases the wheels of her roller blades and reshaves her undercut before she bravely, yet authentically, heads out the door.
Oppenheimer Barbie - This Barbie could have been a tortured genius, but she is literally too busy being fabulous to attempt evil world domination. Instead she codes while she brushes her teeth and solves theoretical physics equations on a waterproof notepad in the shower. She drinks eighteen cups of coffee for breakfast and irons her clothes while she’s wearing them on her body as a power move. After all, she is the face of women in STEM.
Yogi Barbie - This Barbie wakes up and takes her angel number (888) of cleansing Ujjayi breaths before she even opens her eyes. She brushes her teeth with an organic, all-natural brush (it’s just a twig), and writes affirmations to herself in her ancient grain alphabet cereal. Before she showers, she burns her custom vagina-scented candle as she blends smoothies to sell after class.
Bad Haircut Barbie - This Barbie uses pruning shears to recut her hair. She sharpens the scissors on her nails (or sharpens her nails with the scissors?). She breaks open fountain pens and uses the ink inside to draw on eyeliner and angry-coded eyebrows.
And finally, some speculation on their individual storylines, because let’s be real, all these Barbies deserve their own movie.
The Motivations:
Barbie #1 - This Barbie is on a classic hero’s quest to figure out the meaning of life and death, not so she can be a better person, because to transcend the constraints of BarbieHood. That’s right, no one puts this Barbie in a box. She is going to codify morality in BarbieLand and transcend from MOTHER to God.
Midsommar Barbie - This Barbie is going to a therapist speed-dating event, but she’s not looking for personal growth, self-expression, or fulfillment (she has the cult for that). This summer she wants to recruit therapists into the cult because they: 1) encourage others to find a community that helps them grow (into a beautiful queen of the summer solstice), 2) believe that strong boundaries create safe space (to carry out sinister rituals without law enforcement around), and 3) know the value of getting rid of a toxic ex (by killing them).
Sk8r Grrrl Barbie - This Barbie is on a quest for love. She wants not only to have a big fat lesbian wedding, but also wants to be gay divorced by the time she is 40.
Oppenheimer Barbie - This Barbie’s life has been bleak since childhood, when it was prophesied that she would cause worldwide suffering. Her unbending feet/faith in herself and love for the color pink have kept her from turning evil, but Barbie is getting burnt out on toxic positivity. On the night the prophecy is meant to come true, she invents time travel, which takes her to the noir world of the 1940s. Here she must explode the crystal ball containing her future, before she explodes something much worse.
Yogi Barbie - This Barbie knows happiness and success can be manifested, just look at her life! Her next goal is noble: she wants to make karmic abundance and tantric zen available to everyone. She’s on a mission to manifest manifestation, preferably in powder form which can be added to her smoothies and sold alongside ozempic, semaglutide, jade vagina eggs, and whatever else wealthy people think will make them feel fulfilled.
Bad Haircut Barbie - This Barbie wants to become a drug. Microdose her by watching her part of the movie one second at a time.
Swati Sudarsan
Swati Sudarsan was the runner-up of the 2022 So to Speak Contest Issue and is a Pushcart Prize nominee, and she has received support from Tin House, the Kenyon Review, Kweli Journal, and Martha's Vineyard Institute of Creative Writing. Her work can be found in McSweeney's, Catapult, Denver Quarterly and more. She edits at Moot Point Magazine and lives in Oakland, CA, where she works as a public health scientist.